I was once told that even though children are too young to use words to describe their feelings, that does not mean they do not know the feelings they experienced. In fact, they hold onto those thoughts and carry the emotions and weight with them as they mature and understand why those feelings occur.
Self-awareness does not come instinctively. Philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau described self-preservation, the awareness of others, as a skill human minds developed when herds and societies were slowly created. He had a point when he argued that this evolution, the supposed human enhancement, is dangerous and destructive. Because once people start comparing themselves to others, it creates hierarchies and norms that reduce humanity to one model – the ideal – that hurts the individual’s development.
I remember the first time I gained self-awareness. When I was in Xinjiang, China, I lived in this small city called Changji. Most of the people there were Han, Uyghur, or Hui. People there rarely meet anyone from a different ethnic minority, much less interact with people from a foreign country. I quickly became the center of attention in elementary school as not only my classmates were curious, but also my teachers were interested in learning about me. It is embarrassing describing this sentiment now, but as a six-year-old, the constant validation did feed into my desire to impress others and feel proud about myself; this included my appearance.
How I looked always mattered. The only reason why people started conversations with me and asked questions like, “you don’t look Han, are you Uyghur…” “well if you’re not Uyghur, then what are you…” “no way you’re from America! Can you speak English then…” was solely because of my appearance. These conversations always tingled my heart until I encountered the conversation that forever changed my outlook: “so if you and your dad are American, why don’t you guys have blonde hair and blue eyes (金发碧眼)?”
That was the first time I became aware of my mixed identity.
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